I’m full of anger and frustration towards myself. I’m tired of getting in my own way. I’m tired of not knowing how to trust in the Lord, and allow Him to work and change my heart, or maybe He is and I don’t see it. I don’t know. Im questioning my own heart and everything. I can’t find it in me to get up, pick up my Bible and read. I haven’t had a heartfelt long talk with God in a bit. I miss being on fire for Jesus, I miss the close relationship that we once had. I’m trying everyday but it feels like it’s not enough and I should be trying harder because I’m not doing what I’m supposed to do. Or it doesn’t seem like that anyways. I’m so tired of going back to the things that aren’t going to help while asking the Lord to help me. It is my fault. My brother asked how I was, I told him I’m okay but he could tell I wasn’t. I told him it’s because I haven’t read my Bible and he said just read it right now then. I can’t find it in me to do that. I can’t get up and do it. I feel like I’m not in the right heart and mind state to do so. I feel like I can’t. I feel like God is mad, I feel like He’s ashamed of me, and I know it’s not true, I wish I was different. I’m so guilty and shameful. I wish I could just stop. I wish I can grow but it seems like I’m preventing myself from doing that This has started and got worse since I got baptized. I don’t know what else to do. I feel tired. Maybe it’s the enemy attacking me, because he sees something in me I don’t. I don’t know if I believe that tbh. What if he actually prevents me from becoming the person God wants me to be. I’m overthinking right now and I know people are gonna tell me God has given me the authority and stuff but I’m tired and my mind isn’t strong right now. I don’t even know what to do. I feel like there’s something holding me down spiritually and I can’t get up from it. Like for example praying and reading the Bible. I can’t find the strength to fast or read and pray but I know it needs to be done. I want to call it quits but I won’t, because i can’t and don’t want to. I just want to get through this, I want to stop being this way. I don’t know how to articulate my prayer request, so I listed the things im struggling with to be prayed for. I want to be a kind hearted, selfless, caring, gentle, patient kind loving person, but it feels like I’m not. At least that’s what I believe. It feels like I’m a horrible disgusting ugly person from the heart. If you’re still here, I thank you for reading all the way through. Thank you.